I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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