thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
