It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
