i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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