capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
