epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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