she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
