I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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