mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We named our party play list daddy issues
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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