You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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