I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
