a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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