I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
