i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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