the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
