he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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