the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
