why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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