So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
