What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
