my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
