Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.