You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.