I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
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she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I would fuck him just for his dog