Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
