You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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