Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
