whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
