im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There's always time for handjobs
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
