If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
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We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
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Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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