My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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