OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
