Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
