Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
ttyl tear gas
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
