I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
