He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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