Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
