I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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