I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
worst night to have a conscience
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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