there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
