when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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