What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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