you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
