he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
