I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
