if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
