I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.