He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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