I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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