Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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