So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
