i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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