yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
