I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
