Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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