i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
