i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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