ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
