Where did you get a picture of my penis
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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